With apologies to New Scientist, I've created an eleven-point list for ensuring you can get cancer. Here it is. Feel free to print it out and put it one your double fridge.1. Make sure you have a Body Mass Index over 23 and work hard to increase this as you age. Don't let the media hype about 'thin' seduce you!
2. Keep physical activity at a reasonable level; definitely no more than 30 minutes per day. Make friends with your couch. Only walk when you can't drive, call email or roll. And be careful your mouse and remote control hand muxcles aren't over developed.
3. Don't waste time eating raw or green food. Get your energy through high sugar and energy-loaded fast food.
4. Let the beasts of the world support you. Eat at least 500g of meat a week. Processed meats are just great.
5. If you are a man, make sure a refreshing alcoholic beverage is always nearby. It may be hard, but women should strive to drink at least two standard drinks a day, men, four.
6. Live a nature-supporting lifestyle. Fruit and vegetable are rabbit and insect food. Save them by abstaining from eating any of their natural fodder. Even more important, if you must eat vegetables or fruit, leave the organic stuff for the animals. Make sure your vegies are safely protected with an all round insecticide, miticide fungicide, herbicide and biocide. Good for your in-cides.
7. Ensure all of your food is safe by insisting on a good chemical preservative. And make sure it's salty We came from the sea, didn't we?
8. Keep up to date with all of ther latest dietary supplements. You never know what you're missing if you don't try them all. A full cupboard is a healthy cupboard.
9. If you're a mum, be a thoroughly modern one and DO NOT BREASTFEED.
10. Keep lean and mean by avoiding water. If you must drink water, make sure it's in coffee. Do NOT drink alkaline water whatever you do. There are no double blind studies on its benefits and it's not sold by a pharmaceutical company so how can it be any good - even if the Japanese have used it for fifty years?
(What would they know anyway?)
11. If you've survived Cancer, and found the experience enjoyable, change nothing!
Your name is already up in lights on the Big C scoreboard!
3 comments:
Sarcastic and informative... just the way I like it.
Keep up the good work Ian!
Chris
Hey Ian! That's not fair! You make everyone who's had cancer look like a beer swilling, fried chip guzzling couch potato! I've had my BC scare and it was all the more difficult to reconcile because I've always been a healthy (organic wherever possible) eater, fit and outdoorsy with no chemical vices like alcohol or cigarettes. Sure many of the people with whom I shared Oncologist's waiting rooms fitted your criteria, but many didn't. I think the message is that the factors influencing our susceptibility for cancer are so embedded in our agricultural, food processing and storage (and career employment) systems that it's very hard to avoid! Cleaning up my act post-cancer has been a full time job and NOT conducive to regular employment, family responsibility or financial security! Give us a break!
Hey Ian! That's not fair! You make everyone who's had cancer look like a beer swilling, fried chip guzzling couch potato! I've had my BC scare and it was all the more difficult to reconcile because I've always been a healthy (organic wherever possible) eater, fit and outdoorsy with no chemical vices like alcohol or cigarettes. Sure many of the people with whom I shared Oncologist's waiting rooms fitted your criteria, but many didn't. I think the message is that the factors influencing our susceptibility for cancer are so embedded in our agricultural, food processing and storage (and career employment) systems that it's very hard to avoid! Cleaning up my act post-cancer has been a full time job and NOT conducive to regular employment, family responsibility or financial security! Give us a break!
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