Love and Money

I'm guessing that many of my readers are coming into a time in their lives when they are making big choices about love and money.

Lynda Rysenbry is a friend of mine who conducts courses based on NVC: Non Violent Communication. Here's the text of an email she sent me today.

"I was at the beach last night and we were discussing money and love. It must be in the air...

Today I see Dr Matthew Bambling of the Queensland University of Technology says couples are in for a rough time "facing job insecurity, redundancy, worries about making ends meet". He says "...in such tough times, good communication within couples is critical".

Last year a family law solicitor shared with me that many of the people she assists to separate, often also have pretty poor financial picture. I have been there myself. Love and money simultaneously disintegrating. Here is what I learned:

Whatever you can't discuss fully and happily live with, will eat away at the relationship. You get to choose whether it happens quietly or loudly. If you can't face a topic together effectively, you are exposed in two ways. You're exposed to making a botch of this area of your lives and the health of your relationship is exposed.

Of course this is not limited to the topic of money, it can be any shared topic. Parenting can be another tough one for couples.

Money just happens to pervade many aspects of life and is probably one of the most common core triggers for insecurity, fear of abandonment, rejection, failure ~ all those shadows in the recesses of our minds.

I am absolutely not suggesting compromising for the sake of peace. Because that carries its own price. Real peace, intimacy and an expansion of each of you AND the relationship comes naturally from a total and complete hearing of each other and reaching an understanding that is free of thoughts like "whatever ... I'll go with what she says" "Well, its not my problem. You're the one in charge of the money/ kids/ holiday plans". "You'd better be right, that's all I can say".

All of those are examples of abandoning yourself!

Letting someone elses' reality prevail over your own might seem easy, but it can dull you down and leave you feeling resentful.

Abandoning yourself like this is a toxic seed, ripe for damaging the relationship. Don't do it!!
You can talk things through and be who you are, in a way that builds and deepens your love and connectedness. Speak up and listen deeply. The drama is not about the money. Its about the struggle for recognition, love, security... Acknowledge this gently and respectfully. Then the topic will be much easier!

You each hold an equally valid piece of the puzzle. You'll know when you have reached a true understanding by the feeling in your body.

Developing this capacity, is like water to a plant. You - your relationships - your finances - your children, need you to be able to be really honest, really loving and really effective in reaching decisions together."

If you like what she says, she has a new workshop coming soon titled Speaking peace. Here's a flyer for it. I recommend her work to anyone with 'issues' like this.

And here's her site.